


The Man Deserves A Medal (But He's Never Really Won A Prize)

by donutsfordun



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: ;), M/M, but with potential to be more, joshler - Freeform, platonic, very gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-09 07:23:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7792174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donutsfordun/pseuds/donutsfordun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler has been yearning for a boy he's been missing for 17 years, he's been yearning for someone he forgot about. For someone he messed things up with. But how can you yearn for someone who's entire existence you've pushed away to the back of your mind.</p><p>Is it possible to yearn without knowing? </p><p>After the death of his father Tyler is thrust into the world of corporate America, alone and unsure. But after a line of business decisions the boy he's needed to make things right with for 17 years somehow finds his way back into his life. Tyler is forced to come to terms with his self and his true feelings. And maybe Josh could help him do that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The End.

The day your life changes forever starts of the same as any other day. You have no clue, no slight inkling that things are going to be different from here on out. No gut feeling, no eureka moment. It's just you waking up and looking at the same ceiling you've always looked at. Taking your coffee the same way you've always took it. Your same routines unaware of the kink that's about to mess it all up. 

That day for me was exactly 92 days, 14 hours, 36 minutes, and 52 seconds ago. And I haven't been the same since. 

I've been here on my floor in dark curled up in his jacket, trying to burn his smell into my nostrils. Hoping that every flake of dead skin and every cell, every hair would stick to me and I would become him. Maybe if I wore his jacket and cut my hair and tied my shoes the wrong way I could be him. I could be the person he was, a person everyone should aspire to be like. But he's gone. And we've got no more saints among men to look up to. And I've started to wonder why live in a world where no one as pure or as good or as perfect as him could ever exist in again? 

The dark has started to etch its way back into the corners of my life and I'm too weak to stop it. I want the darkness to come down and envelope me in its kind arms and take me away. Cover me in its cloak and allow me to sink into the fibers and become one with it. 

I can't get up. Not sure if I want to get up. I just want him back. Is there someone I can call? To trade my life for his? Doesn't satan dabble in these affairs? Where's satan when you need him? Where's God when you need him?

I just want Josh back. I wonder where he is. Is he in heaven? He belongs there as light soul as he is. He deserves to be with the saints and Angels, he deserves something more than what he got. That's all I can say. Or is he in hell? For committing as some would say an unforgivable sin. Or maybe purgatory. To roam the nothingness as a ghost. Forced to spend entirety alone, in his thoughts. Forever between two opposing endings. 

But I've begun to ramble and I must get back on track to the day my life changed forever. Or at least a little before that.


	2. T Minus 10 Days

_Wednesday August 17th, 2016_  
10 days before it all changed forever.

I strolled into my office, that sat on the very top floor of a 152 story building. The perfect office for the man at the top. Encircled in windows, everyday felt as if I was the king of my kingdom in the clouds. I could close my eyes and take flight, flying over the isles of flightless birds. Catering to the things they could only dream of. Or I could take my root among the clouds and float above the city, ever moving, ever changing, never noticed. A shadow of the sky if you will.

But today was no time for that. Our firm was getting ready for a possible big merger with a company we've been eyeing for a long time now. There was much work to do and now was not the time to dream of flight. So I stopped my Icarus thought and settled into the real world. None too soon, because as soon as I opened my eyes and took my feet off the desk, my secretary called.

"Mr. Joseph your 9:30 is here." She said in that iconic secretary voice. It was pleasing and light to the ears.

"Send them in, thank you Julie."

"Of course, Mr. Joseph." then the call disconnected and my door swung open. I sat in the half darkened as I watched the figure cross the room to me. If I stood up too early I might seem too eager, and if I stood up too late I might seem rude. It's all about timing in this world. Just when he crossed about three fourths of the way, I stood up and thrust my hand over the desk. We shook instantly, perfect timing.

"Hello Mr. Dun how are you?" I said greeting my late father's former business partner and the closest he ever had to a friend. I turned the knob on my desk and the curtains began to rise filling the room with the type of sunlight that is generally reserved for clouds.

"Hello Tyler," he said dropping my hand and taking a second to look me up and down. The sun didn't remove the shadows across his face, nor the dark bags under his eyes. While he seemed the same at first glance, you could look into his eyes and see something was missing. What was missing? "You sure have changed a lot since the funeral, looking more and more like your old man every time I see you."

"Well that's what good genes and even better scotch does to ya." He laughed and we both sat down.

"Well there's no need to beat around the bush son. We both know why we're here. The merger."

"Yes the merger. I've had various departments draw up some projections that would show the extreme value that this merger would bring for the both of us and how many more sales we could generate for you. Also we have some examples of ways we would better the-"

"I don't want to hear any of that mumbo jumbo I've already made up my mind. I'm prepared to accept your merger under one condition." Mr. Dun said effectively cutting me off and ensuring I was listening. I had to give it to him this man was good.

"I'm listening." I said taking the bottle of scotch from my bottom drawer out and starting to fill a glass. I tipped the bottle to him in offering but he shook his head.

"I've been trying to cut back on the stuff, my wife said she's sick of kissing a scotch mouth." We let the air ring with polite laughs then it was back to business. "So my one condition. It's my son, he has no interest of taking over the business when I pass and I thought him seeing someone who did at such a young age would motivate him to take an interest in it."

"Your son?" I asked I didn't even know he had a wife let alone a son.

"Yes Josh, you know him. You guys grew up together. In fact the two of you used to be best friends until eleven maybe, I don't know petty kid stuff stopped it." He said glancing out the windows. I wonder what he was thinking of.

Josh. I couldn't believe I'd forgotten all about him. How could I forget Mr. Dun's only son. 

"How old is he now?" My memory of Josh was faint. I just remember flashes of curly brown hair, mocha eyes, grass stains, a basketball.

"He's around your age give or so a couple months." He didn't move his eyes to respond, he was still fixated on the sky behind us.

"Okay so what do you want me to meet with him? Give him a job? What?" I said my interest in this condition peaking slightly. I noticed my leg was beginning to jiggle and I raised my glass to my lips. Scotche helps with the nerves.

"No no nothing like that. I want him to shadow you, not for too long maybe a week or so. Just so he can see how enticing this world can be for a young business man." He said adjusting his position in the seat.

"Okay I accept." I said beaming widely my first deal, would my dad have been proud? Would my dad have done it better? Would he even care? Maybe he'd just tear it down like always? I mean it was a shit deal if we're being truthful. He only did it because he and my dad were friends. I'm not good at this. And I'm gonna fail like I do with everything. I'm destined to fail. I'm destined to live in my father's shadow never reaching his heights only trying to live up to them. Never good enough never-

STOP IT.

I brought the glass to my mouth again, and poured the rest down my throat. Feeling the burn as it traveled down, warming my blood, boiling my stomach, slowing my heart beat, calming my shaking hands.

I stood up and shook Mr. Dun's hand. He smiled at me in an almost fatherly type way, and my heart started to ache for something I had never had. How can you miss the things you've never had?

"You're going to do just as great a job as your father I can already tell." He looked me up and down once more, "Josh'll be in tomorrow okay? Good luck son." And with that he was gone, the door shut behind him and I was alone.

I instantly closed the blinds, I didn't deserve the sunlight, I didn't deserve the warmth, I didn't deserve this office, I didn't deserve anything. I'm nothing. What should nothing get? Nothing. I deserve the worst. Because I am the worst. Everyone knows it. They feel so bad that my father is dead so they try to make me feel better. But it doesn't work.

I CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR LIES

I hate them. I hate him. I hate everything. I hate this stupid office. I hate that stupid secretary. I hate this town. I hate this place. I hate myself for being this shitty and this worthless. I hate that I'm not good enough for anything or anyone. I hate that I felt so good when I heard the news he was gone. I'm an awful person.

I sank to the floor, laying back against the soft carpet, and closed my eyes. Hot tears spilled out through the cracks and soaked the floor beneath me. Their cold wet trails marked my face with a line of salt. And it hurt. Crying hurt. My chest hurts. My heart hurts beating so fast against my rising chest. Up and down. Slam slam slam slam. Up down. Slam slam slam slam. Up down.

My blood was racing through my veins pumping hot poison to my heart. I couldn't breathe every breath was caught in my throat behind a lump. Pressing against my neck like a rock was lodged in. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't stop shaking.

HEY LOOK IT'S MR NOT GOOD ENOUGH. LOOK WHO'S GOING TO FAIL. FAILURE. WORTHLESS. AWFUL. NOTHING. THE WORST.

"Stop it just stop it!" I screamed at the demons. "Just be quiet. Just stop." Each word was shaky and I couldn't stop shaking. My back my hands my legs my arms. I needed it.

Get up Tyler. You can do this get up. You need it to stop. Get up.

Through some grace I pulled myself up and thrust my hand into the chilled drawer coming up with my bottle of scotch. No time for a cup. I opened it with shaky hands and through the cap down as I let the burn flood my mouth.

I stopped shaking.

My heart started to slow.

I could feel the lump in my throat shrink.

My breathing was starting to regulate.

The voices were quiet.

As I laid their on the floor drinking from that bottle like it was water I realized I'm nothing. Nothing without the scotch.

 

 


	3. T Minus 9 Days

Thursday August 18, 2016

I awoke to a black sky, and a pounding behind my eyes. I couldn't see. My eyes were open but I couldn't see! What's going on? I sat up flailing around wildly hitting at my face. Then it hit me, and I took the jacket from over my eyes instantly blinded by sunlight. It burned. It was too bright too much for me. The pounding behind my eyes sped up and I shut them. I brought my knees up to my chest and began to rub my temples. What happened? Where am I?

The grass. I could feel it tangled up in my hands and I knew I was fucked. The birds were chirping from somewhere behind me, it was too loud. I needed to get up. What time is it? What day is it? 

All I know is that I can't afford to be sitting hungover, in an expensive suit in the middle of Central Park. Time to get up and face the music. I took a deep breath and pulled my self up, but before I was even steady black static filled my eyes and I fell back down to the grass. The jolt sent even more throbs behind my eyes and I felt sick.

I wanted to just stay there in the grass until my body began to rot and I was just a pile of bones in a dirty suit left in the grass alone and uncared for. Unnoticed. And eventually my bones would start to decay and I would go back to the same dust I came from. 

Dust to dust like they always say. 

I relaxed my body in the dirt fully prepared to stay there when I heard the unmistakable tone of a ringing phone. The sound hurt my eyes. I patted my pockets but they were empty. Where could it be I only put my phone- then I felt the vibrating. Oh god. I squeezed my eyes shut even more and then I reached down the front of my pants and retrieved it. Why was it there? What the hell happened last night? 

I brought the phone to my ear and somehow found my voice, "Hello?" I croaked out my voice sounding like I just drank a can full of battery acid. 

"Hi Mr. Joseph, I'm just calling to make sure you know you have an all day appointment with a Joshua Dun starting at 10 today, it's almost 9:30 and you haven't been heard from in a while so I'm asking if I need to cancel?" 

"No no. I'll be in." I said taking a deep breath, "Thanks for the call Rana." 

"Always my pleasure, see you soon." Then the line went dead and I was forced to live. Somehow even with a pounding head and an extreme sensitivity to light I managed to get an uber, go home, get changed, pick up some Advil and Gatorade, and make it to the office by 9:50. 

I still didn't know what happened. I remember flashes of last night. I remember touches. I remember bits of sound. 

I remember a bridge. I remember water, I remember crying. "You again?" I hear glass breaking. Laughter. An empty sky. I remember falling on the curb, I can still feel that. A taxi. Some change. A car horn. A ten dollar bill changing from my hand to a sweaty palm. Bright lights. Screaming. 

I don't know. I can't make sense of it all. The last thing I truly remember is that I wanted to buy some chips from the corner store on my way home, so I opted to walk rather than take my driver. 

That's all I remember. 

The elevator lurched to a stop and I felt nausea rise in my stomach. Maybe I should've stayed home. Josh can wait another day. The doors started to part, should I stay or should I go? If I hurry I can hide in the elevator while everyone else gets off and just go back downstairs and home. Or do I just get it over with? 

Fuck it. 

Here we go. 

I stepped out the elevator and walked past the receptionist, 

"Good morning, Sasha." I said smiling. 

"Good morning, sir." She returned the smile and I returned on my way back to my office. Rana was missing from her desk in her office that adjoined mine but she was probably off getting coffee or something, she'll be back. 

I stood at the edge of my door and took a deep breath, time to do this. I pushed the door open and was instantly greeted by what felt like 1000 light beams all pointed at me. 

"Jesus Christ man!" I yelled rushing over to my desk. "Why are the blinds even ope-" 

"Hello Tyler." Josh stood up and smiled at me as I frantically tried to close the blinds. No time for that, I could feel the pounding start to rise up behind my eyes again, the nauseating feeling starting to climb up my stomach. Oh no. With a lurch all the contents of my stomach emptied onto Josh. 

I stood up steadying myself on the corner of my desk, the room getting darker as the blinds began to roll down. I took a deep breath and immediately an encore of less than ten seconds ago found its way into the trash can. 

I fell to my knees the pounding behind my head getting faster and louder. I gripped the trash can and attempted to slow my breathing. 

In. 

Out. 

In. 

Out. 

My stomach was still and the urge to vomit yet again passed. And somehow amid all the sickness I felt better. I opened my eyes and pulled my head up from the trash can. The pounding was gone. 

"Dude," a voice came from behind me. In that small moment I had completely forgotten that Josh was here at all. What an awful impression I was making on him. "Maybe you shouldn't drink on work nights, just a thought." I turned around to see Josh covered in vomit and paper towels. 

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to I didn't know I was going to I'm a mess. Again I'm so sorry." I said standing up and running over to Josh. His brown eyes gleamed in the darkened room as he smiled at me. 

"It's okay. I've been there too buddy. I can't even name all the people I've yucked on. I wasn't always this put together." He said with a flourishing gesture at his brightly colored hair, a nose ring, his tank top that showed off his even more brightly colored sleeve, and his cut off shorts. We laughed together and then fell back silent. 

"So um you know how this is set up right? You know you follow me blah blah." I looked at him and he nodded still dabbing at chunks of god knows what on his shirt. "So today we're having lunch with our attorneys just to keep them in good relations. And after that we've got a meeting with another firm to discuss some, issues I guess we'll call it. And then we've got to prep for this seminar that we're hosting tomorrow all the heads of our related companies. Like uh who's coming tomorrow? DinCo and Lersher and I believe-"

"Wait wait wait," Josh said cutting me off. I frowned at him but he either didn't see or completely ignored it as he continued talking. "DinCo like the toy company?" 

"Yes, why?" 

"What the fuck do they have to do with app marketing and development and shit?" He asked incredulously. 

"All the new toys have apps connected to them, they need us." I said with a slight shrug. 

"So kids toys need, apps?" He looked at me with the most disgusted face I could imagine, "Where's the fun in that? I bet you've got to pay too. This is what's wrong with society today. Instead of just giving kids the tools they need to learn to think independently we just thrust apps at them. DinCo makes toys for toddlers. Toddlers can't even read! And why? For money! We're too much of a capitalistic derived people to even function-" 

"Josh. Not now please. I've got a headache, this room smells like vomit, and your rant isn't going to help." He glared at me and started to open his mouth again but I held up a hand. "You need a shower and change of clothes because I'm not letting you wear that to lunch with me. My apartment isn't that far from here, you can shower and stuff there. Come on." And just like that I shut Josh down, changed the direction of the conversation and left the situation. Just like my dad used to do. 

Almost exactly how my dad used to do. Cutting me off. Delaying the subject matter to a later time. Implying that my talking was making things worse. Changing the subject. Leaving. 

I'm no better than him. I'm probably worse. I'm his little protégé. Only I out learned the master. Look at me becoming the thing I vowed to never be. Becoming the thing I hated. Which makes sense in a way. I was designed to hate myself, might as well have some justification for it. 

Can they all see it? See how awful I am? Or are they blinded by denial? I can see it, clear as day. How I never say the right things how I always fuck up how I always misjudge situations how stupid I am how I'll never amount to anything other than a stupid shadow. That's all I am and that's all I'll ever be living in the shadow of my father's legacy. I'll never be anything. 

WHY CAN'T THEY SEE IT?

What if they do see it? They know I'm worthless, they just feel sorry for me. Because they know I'm pathetic they know I'll never survive in the real world because I have no skills that can work for anything else I don't even have the skills to work here just the connections. Do they all pity me? Pity the shell of a man that I am. I'll never be a man. I'm just a boy. A boy who's too scared of everything to live. They can see it can't they? That explains the looks. Why Rana smiled at me that way the other day, why Mr. Dun kept glancing away from me because they know. They can't look me in the eye and keep up this charade they can't-

"Hey Tyler are you okay?" Josh's voice pulled me out of my thoughts and suddenly every one of my senses came flooding back. And I was overwhelmed with feelings. My heart was beating too fast I couldn't breathe. And how'd I end up in front of my apartment? What happened? Did Josh drug me?

"What?" I asked my voice coming out slower than I'm used to and I turned my head to face Josh just as slow. 

"You're breathing like super fast and you haven't said anything since we left the office, did I do something?" He asked his voice inked with genuine concern. The first I've heard in a while. 

"I-I'll be good." I said twisting the key into the lock and opening my door. We crossed the threshold and I instantly threw my jacket on to the couch. "The bathroom's that way, go shower, and I'll pick you out something to wear." I kicked my shoes off as I walked towards the kitchen in search of something to help me stop thinking so much. Not completely just enough to get through this business lunch. 

I swiveled around the counter and noticed a half empty bottle of vodka in the sink. An unexpected but nice surprise. I poured it into my water bottle and sat it down on the counter next to my keys, but not before taking a big swig. I felt bad as the lukewarm drink burned down my esophagus, I don't think there hasn't been one day since the funeral that I haven't drank. Maybe I really am taking my dad's place, maybe reincarnation is a thing. Just not how everyone thinks it is. Maybe once you die bits and pieces from your personality go to other people. And in a way you become reincarnated into them. 

Nonetheless I should've learned my lesson about day drinking considering my severe lack of memory from last night, but it was just a sip it can't hurt me that much. Not unless I get a little out of hand, which I won't, not tonight. 

I promise. 

I passed the bathroom where Josh was singing some song about a car radio obnoxiously loud. Would it kill him to be considerate? I banged on the door, no answer. I rolled my eyes and hit the door again. 

"Frank Sinatra, you've got five minutes." I bellowed hoping he could hear me over his wailing and over the shower. I made my way to my room and flipped the light switch illuminating my closet. Two circles spinning in opposite directions holding around 3.2 million dollars worth of clothes. I know for a fact, they're all insured. 

I flipped through them looking for something Josh could wear that would look presentable. He was a little shorter than me and much more built than I, but something would have to work. I pushed pasts suits in various bland colors until I came across something I had completely forgot about until this very moment. Something I like to refer to as 'the powder blue wedding incident'. 

Long story short some aunt or something on my father's side was having an entire powder blue wedding. If you weren't wearing that color you weren't allowed to come in. So my cousins and I were all sent to the tailor together and there was a mixup with sizes and such, so I ended up with a too small and too wide powder blue suit. We didn't even end up making it to the wedding, so it was a complete waste. But I do still have a group picture with my cousins at the tailor and we were all wearing the suits. 

"Perfect. Josh I have something for you to wear. I apologize for the- woah." Josh literally took the words right out of my mouth. I stood in awe as he stepped out the bathroom with nothing but a towel tied around his waist. The steam billowed behind him making it seem like he was floating among the clouds. Like he was an angel descending down from the heavens. A purity sent to live with mere mortals. A purity with perfect chiseled abs and the deepest v-line imaginable. It's almost as if God himself came down and carved Josh's muscles out of marble. Tiny droplets of water beaded at the ends of his hair and dropped onto the floor. It was like a scene from a movie. Like the archangels directed it. 

"Like what you see?" Josh said twirling around, he must've noticed me standing there awestruck like a little kid or something. We made eye contact and he winked. Instinctively I looked down and let the blush creep across my face.

"Shut up, get dressed, and stop dripping on my hardwood. I just got it polished." I said pushing my amazement away as I thrust the suit into his hands. 

"Whatever you say boss." He said giving me the captains salute with his free hand. And since the other hand was holding the suit this meant nothing was holding up the towel and it collapsed to the floor in a puddle around his feet. 

"Oh my god." I said sighing and shielding my eyes as I brushed past him and out the room. I shook my head and took a seat on one of the couches that littered my living room. My face was still hot, I'm sure it was literally aflame, and it was all his fault. I don't know what came over me. 

It's not like I've never seen anyone naked before. It's just I've never seen anyone look so ethereal coming out a shower. I know for a fact I look like a drowned rat coming out the shower, but not Josh. His hair was still fluffy and bright. His face wasn't flushed but still tanned and golden. Droplets of water stuck to his skin like morning dew. The steam rushed out the bathroom from behind him like he was stepping out a spaceship onto the moon. It was beautiful. It was like something I had never seen before and something I doubt I would ever see again. 

The uber ride to the restaurant was quiet. Just a too small backseat and whispered apologies as knees touched, fingers brushed against skin lingering a second too long. Just pink hair glowing in the noon sun, seeming go shine even more brightly against a powder blue suit. 

The car stopped and Josh got out first, brushing imaginary dust and crumbs off his suit. He hooked his thumbs in his belt loops, avoiding all eye contact with me. 

"Josh it's not a big deal," I said patting his back in a sarcastic type way, because I knew this entire week was going to be awkward to the max if we didn't get past this. "I've seen bigger." I added with a pointed look to my dick area. 

"Shut up." He said and laughed brushing my hand off his shoulder. I smiled at him and we made our way to the reserved table. 

Lunch was a blur of fancy wines and medium rare steaks. A powder blue suit, the odd one out in a sea of smart beiges and sophisticated grays and the ever so classic black. Polite yet tense laughs and an exchanging of business cards. Light small talk, friendly smiles, eye rolls behind the back. Glances at phones wondering how long this had to be endured before they could leave. 

I can't remember any of it. Any conversation. I can't remember if Josh fit in well. I can't remember what I ordered. I can't remember who was there. The memory making part of my brain was occupied by the constant demons that live in my head. They decided it was then that they wanted to wake up. But it's not fair to call them demons, they don't do anything bad. They just alert me to the falsities of this life that I'm forced to live. 

Every lawyer that this company has on retainer hates me. Hates the fact that I was born into my job, they had to work for theirs. They went to school for eight plus years and I still make triple what they would make in a year, in six months. So they hate me for it. They thought I couldn't see their shared glances of disgust whenever I talked. The quiet tsk's when I said something they deemed "wrong". Eye rolls when I offered to pick up the check. A tittering of laughter when they saw Josh tagging along with me. 

It's like this most of the time. With every person that's lower on the corporate hierarchy then me, which is basically everyone. 

They hate me for what my blood decided. They hate the fact that I get the nicest office, with all the windows at the very top. They hate that I call the shots. But they don't know that I don't want to. I would give anything to just leave this position behind. But I can't disappoint my mom, or my granddad, they're the only people left who's opinions I value. Maybe once they're gone I'll step down. Zack can take my place. 

My younger brother Zack was practically born for the position, it's a pity he wasn't the oldest. He's just like my dad, bitter, detached, cold. He was my father's favorite and maybe that's why my father always picked on me. Zack showed him the son that I could be, I just wasn't. Maybe the feelings of disgust my father showed me influenced my brother. We were never close and I haven't seen him since my father died. Before I used to get a call once a week asking to meet up for lunch, and now the calls just disappeared. The death of my father, and me being thrust into his position as head, just reared his hate for me even more. He's hates me for being born first. This life just makes the whole world hate you. Even if they claim they don't. Everyone harbors some feelings of resentment or jealousy. No one has ever came into my life and understood that I didn't choose this life, I was born into it. 

Maybe Josh gets it. I wonder do they hate him for being the son of a CEO too? Does he get the glances of disgust and contempt? Does he get the groveling and ass kissing too? I glanced up at him as I walked beside him on the journey back to his apartment. I started to speak but he looked so deep in thought I couldn't bare to break it. I couldn't help but wonder, what goes on in the brain of an angel?

It was late and the sun started to dip behind the New York skyline. Lunch had gone on a little longer than expected, and had started a little later than expected, so I just merged the two meetings. Keeping lawyers in good relations and discussing some business plans with another firm. And by the time we finished it was too late to go back to the office and prep for the next day, so I just told Rana to prep for the seminar tomorrow and send both Josh and I the files to review later on. Plus Josh looked drained from the lunch so I decided to go easy on him. He just made me feel so paternal. I just wanted to tuck him into bed and make sure he was always okay, and comb his hair, and tie his shoes properly. I wanted to hold his hand when he decided to get his sleeve filled in the rest of the way. I just wanted to be there. 

I've never felt like this about anyone in my entire life. I know what crushes feel like and I know this isn't one. It can't possibly be one. First and foremost I am a guy, he's a guy. Not saying anything's wrong with that, it's just I don't like dudes. I've never even experienced any sort of attraction to any guy in my life. The incident earlier this afternoon was just one of admiration. It's not gay to be able to appreciate another man's body. It's not like I thought about him touching me or something. Just admiration. 

I looked up at him again, he was still deep in thought and I was hoping he was paying attention to where we were going because I have no time to be lost today. I'm tired, my feet hurt, and I want to go home and sleep forever. But I could enjoy this view. Josh under the muted sun, shadows cast across his face as sun rays danced behind the buildings. Teasing his face with warmth and then disappearing. His cotton candy hair blowing in the wind, tight curls unraveling and reaching towards the sky. Pink tendrils like flowers reaching for the sun. The blue suit jacket draped across his back bouncing with every step. His tattoo gleaming with color from under the slightly too tight white undershirt. He was already a built dude, but when he had his arm bent to hold the jacket over his shoulder, his muscles grew and strained against the shirt. He was ethereal, he was light, he was unreal. Then he stopped. 

"So uh thanks for walking me home. You didn't have to do that considering how hot it is and your apartment is in the complete opposite direction. And uh-" he started bringing his hand over to rub the back of his neck. 

"It's fine. I'll just take a cab back. Really no problem at all." I added as he eyed me skeptically. 

"If you say so. Well I'll see you tomorrow I guess." He said starting to enter the building as the doorman pushed the heavy glass doors rimmed with thick iron frames open. I waved and watched until I saw him enter the elevator. As it closed behind him, I suddenly remembered the question that had been pounding at my head since that meeting with his dad yesterday. 

Did he remember me? 

It'd be okay if he didn't, I thought as I flagged down a classic yellow cab. An uber would take too long in this case, and plus it was right there in front of me why not take it. I told the cabbie my address and then he let out a slow whistle. 

"With the high rollers huh?" He said with a laugh and I responded in a careful way, sure not to give away too much of my identifying information. Then it was silent and I settled back in the worn out seats and closed my eyes. 

What if he remembers?


End file.
